Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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