Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
