i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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