two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
