If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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