i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
