marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
