I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You are the jesus of drinking
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
