either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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