she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
