Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
