Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
