i think my tv is drunk
home. puking in laundry basket.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
