season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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