I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
