So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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