I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
