Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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