Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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