It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
