smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
