pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
