how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
