If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
