New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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