No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
