I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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