yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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