It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
