Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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