Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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