seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
