Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
