I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
