apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
