have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
