those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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