I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just cropdusted the office
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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