What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Did I show you my penis last night?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
