I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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