it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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