I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
