there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
