and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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