take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
