He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Michael Bay diarrhea
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
