ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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