just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
When are your genitals available?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
