I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
