she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
