It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
