even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
